Interpersonal conflict can take the form of a disagreement between or among connected individuals such as friends, family members, colleagues or lovers. In any interpersonal relationship we are engaged in, conflicts are usually inevitable. Most researchers in interpersonal communication would teach us that conflicts are not always detrimental but rather, it is the way we manage conflicts which will dictate the outcomes on our relationships. Joseph Joubert, a French moralist, once said “The aim of an argument or discussion should not be victory, but progress”. His words echo the philosophy of most interpersonal communication researchers that adopting the win-win approach is the ideal to conflict resolution. These words of wisdom may be something you may wish to ponder over whilst attempting to suggest possible solutions to the following hypothetical account.
X and Y came to know each other in school. They became friends readily as they went to the same school, studied the same subjects and went to the same class. During their school days, they forged a close-knitted friendship as they met up for sports activities, birthday celebrations, meals and girls’ talk. Both X and Y did not continue their university education after college. As they ventured into the adult world, their paths began to diverge. Eventually, a bitter conflict ensued between them.
Soon after graduating from college, X was lucky to be accepted as an employee in a banking firm in the country’s capital. Gladly, she readily accepted the job offer as she aspires to be a successful career woman. On the other hand, Y, who is talented in art, dreams of becoming a fashion designer hence she hoped to find herself a job as an apprentice in one of the fashion boutiques. Unfortunately, despite searching diligently for a job, Y’s efforts were to no avail. Feeling down and in need of company, Y tried to phone her friend X on several occasions to pour her sorrows. However, X, who was bogged down by work and tired after a hectic day, did not feel ready to offer Y her attention hence, she would usually hang up the call after a few words citing reasons such as exhaustion. This caused Y to feel lonely and dejected. At the same time she felt displeased that her best friend could not lend her a listening ear. Despite that, Y tried hard to hold back her complaints. The last straw came when the former classmates of X and Y initiated a get together session. Like usual, Y informed X of the class gathering. While informing X, X insisted that she was busy and would only meet up Y and their classmates if they came over to the capital where she was working. As Y could no longer bear with what was perceived as a self-centred behaviour on X’s part, she rebuked her and said “Y, you have become so selfish ever since you worked in the capital! All you ever care about is yourself! You have forgotten your friends and now you have left me so disappointed in you!”. X was annoyed by Y’s comments and felt that Y failed to empathize with her. X felt that she had been working so hard and it was only right that her precious free time should be kept to herself. She felt that agreeing to meet up with her classmates was already a sacrifice on her part. Thus, X rebutted saying “Fine, so be it! Since I am no friend of yours, you shall not see me in the coming class meeting!”. Both abruptly ended their conversation by slamming their phones.
In light of the above conflict scenario, do you think both X and Y failed to empathize with each other’s situation? If so, how do you think X and Y could have confronted the matter in a better way?
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5 years ago
You describe a very difficult and common situation in which both parties act selfishly. There are only two solutions. The first is that either X or Y should put the other's needs above their own eg X gives more time to Y or X should tell Y that she has no time to give to her or other friends at the moment and hopes that Y will accept it. The truth is that as with most things, to keep something precious like a friendship, sacrifices have to be made.
ReplyDeleteMrs Richardson
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ReplyDeleteI agree with Mrs Richardson that sacrifices have to be made in order to maintain friendships, and that X does not seem to have understood this point. If X did treasure her friendship with Y, she would have agreed to meet Y at least once to provide her a listening ear. On the other hand, Y was also a little blunt in expressing her unhappiness with X. I feel that Y could have put her feelings in a more assertive way while understanding X's situation and without hurting X's feelings. For example, Y could have said "I can understand your feeling of being exhausted by work, but it's not healthy to be bogged down by work all the time. Maybe it's time that you take a break from work and come back to our hometown. We all miss chatting with you and really wish to meet up with you again. The rest of us would be really disappointed if you can't make it"
ReplyDeleteI think Mei Hui's suggestion on what Y could have said was phrased very well.
ReplyDeleteIn addition, X should realise that rejecting the class gathering this once may not have too huge an impact. However, if she continues to reject such meetings, her friends would stop calling her altogether. Then some years down the road, when X does stop to think back on her life, she would most definitely regret neglecting her friends when they did invite her out to meet up. By then, it may be too late especially if conflicts, like that mentioned above, has soured the relationship.
I strongly agree with Mrs Richardson’s point that to keep something precious like a friendship, sacrifices have to be made. In life, we can’t always have the best of both worlds.
ReplyDeleteFor X, I feel that she is in a very tricky situation. As much as she would like to talk to X, her work is draining her off such that she doesn’t have time for her friends. She has chosen her career over her friendship when she hurt Y by saying that she is no longer her friend of Y. However Y was also somewhat harsh on her words towards X. While this may create a crack in their friendship, I think that their friendships can still be salvaged if one of them is willing to take a step forward to repair their relationship.
Besides self-centeredness, I believe another factor which contributed to the meltdown between them would be stress. Quite obviously, X was very stressed out from her work while Y was stressed over the fact that she had difficulty securing an apprenticeship. Sometimes under highly stressful circumstances, we tend to do or say things out of our frustration, anger or anxiety. We somehow let our (negative) emotions get the better of us. This is where the importance of emotional intelligence (EQ) is clearly seen. I believe understanding our EQ will better equip us to manage our feelings and emotions, so that we will not say or do things impulsively and end up regretting later. In the case of X and Y, both of them need to realize that they are in a highly stressful state and what they should both do is to first calm down. This will probably take awhile but after they have both cooled down, they should meet up some time and pour out what's really in their hearts. After all, it's pretty silly to give up such a valuable friendship just because of something they did at the spur of the moment. True friendships will always have room for forgiveness and reconciliation.
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